Sir Graham Henry's new Rugby Party set to kick the opposition into touch

Hot on the heels of Kim Dotcom's Internet Party comes the announcement today by Father of the Nation Sir Graham Henry that his new Rugby Party will also be contesting this year's election.

"I've founded the Rugby Party because this country needs world-champion politicians as much as it needs world-champion rugby players," Henry told a senior assembly at Auckland Grammar School this morning.

"Quite frankly, the current government is under-performing in almost every aspect of the game. They haven't just dropped the ball -- they've sold nearly half of it to foreign investors, and you can't play the game with half a ball."

New Zealand Gerald has obtained a copy of a leaked strategy document reportedly written by former All Blacks Graham Thorne and Richard Loe in which the following are listed as the Rugby Party's key policies:

• The replacement of the Cabinet with an "Executive First 15" who will be supported by a rotating "Bench" of junior ministers.
• A ban on all French imports. "French wine and cheese are particularly debilitating for New Zealand's prospective All Blacks."
• A ban on spherical balls in school playgrounds.
• The marking of a 22-metre line on fields used in ALL sporting codes in New Zealand.
• The replacement of Religious Education with Rugby Education in all primary schools in order to dispel any confusion between rucks and mauls and penalties and conversions in the minds of future All Blacks.

  Asked what he thought the Rugby Party's chances were in this year's election, Henry smiled and quipped, "Kiwis care more about rugby than they do about life itself. I stake my leadership on becoming New Zealand's next prime minister. We only have to win by one seat."  

Len Brown doesn't do his own laundry, alleges Graham McCready

Graham McCready, who has been described by no lesser an authority than Cameron Slater as a "serial litigant, convicted fraudster, blackmailer and now bankrupt", has today alleged that Shan Inglis, wife of embattled Auckland mayor Len Brown, does some of her husband's laundering for him.

Now, one of the main planks of Len Brown's 2013 campaign was that he always did his own washing and ironing, and this arguably tipped many undecided voters in his favour. Doubts over the veracity of this statement were raised soon after his election victory, of course, when several loads of Mr Brown's dirty washing were aired in public, first by the aforementioned Slater and then, incessantly, by the New Zealand Herald.

And now Mr McCready has dropped his latest bombshell, alleging that gifts in the name of Ms Inglis were a "laundering exercise'' to avoid Len Brown having to declare them on his register of interests. By accepting these freebies, maintains McCready, Ms Inglis became a party to her husband's alleged laundering and "in the interest of justice she ought to be made accountable".

If proven true, McCready's allegations will pile further pressure on Mr Brown to admit that he does not, in fact, do all his own washing, an admission that could well prolong indefinitely the tumultuous spin cycle he currently finds himself in.

Kim Dotcom unveils new political party; names Tinky Winky as mascot

All eyes were on Kim Dotcom again today as the Internet tycoon revealed the surprisingly prosaic name of his new political party. The Internet Party, which sounds more like a seedy gathering of IT nerds and all-night gamers than a serious political institution, will contest this year's election and Dotcom is confident the party will cross the 5% threshold and enter Parliament.

Perhaps sensing that "Internet Party" lacks the panache of the names of his other endeavours (Megaupload, Baboom, for example), Dotcom has enlisted out-of-work teletubby Tinky Winky as his party's mascot. The equally larger-than-life Tinky Winky, who is thrilled to be on board the Dotcom juggernaut, also acts as creative director for the party's communications.

"Purple is the colour of royalty," Tinky Winky told me outside a perfect re-creation of his teletubby home in the grounds of Dotcom mansion, "and if anybody has a claim to royalty these days it's Kim Dotcom." When asked what sort of remuneration he was getting for his services rendered, Tinky Winky replied, "big hugs, three new handbags, and all the tubby custard I can eat." With staff of this calibre in tow, one would be a fool to discount the Internet Party's chances come November.    

Thank God for Colin Craig

Join me, my fellow New Zealanders, in giving thanks for the existence of Conservative Party leader Colin Craig, a man whose political savvy makes Machiavelli look like Aaron Gilmore and who today has told the country that he still does what all right-minded Kiwi parents do: smack their kids. It shows a truly remarkable amount of courage on Colin’s part to fight the law (and God knows he’ll win come election day!), the same kind of courage it takes to smack one’s children.

I myself draw on all my reserves of courage before smacking my 2-year-old boy. Just last night at the dinner table he refused point blank to say grace and I was forced to fetch him a clip round both ears, a manoeuvre his persistent disobedience has given me ample opportunity to perfect. 

So let us give thanks again for Colin, for his having the courage to speak out and affirm Kiwi parents’ God-given right to smack their kids. If God hadn’t wanted us to smack our kids, He wouldn’t have given us hands, and the fact that He’s given us feet is a pretty strong indication that He isn’t averse to us giving our kids the odd kicking when the occasion requires either.

Colin's courage has inspired me to design a t shirt that every smack-friendly parent should wear with pride. My dream is to hear the righteous voices of NZ parents raised in one unified "Smack Attack" against Sue Bradford's evil law, chanting "Smack your kids up!" all the way to the steps of Parliament.  God bless you, Colin Craig, Saviour of the Smack!