X: Welcome to Divine Recruitment, Mr Y. Please take a seat.
Y: Thanks.
X: As you may know, Mr Y, our motto here at Divine Recruitment is “To know you . . .
Y: . . . is to employ you”. Yes, it’s very catchy. Did you come up with that?
X: As a matter of fact I did, Mr Y.
Y: Come to you in a moment of divine inspiration, did it?
X: Not really. I was having breakfast at the time actually . . . Oh I see, “divine” inspiration. Very good, Mr Y. I can see we’re going to get on like a house on fire. As I was saying, we like to get a really good idea of our candidates’ employment history.
Y: Makes perfect sense to me.
X: Excellent. Now let’s go right back to the beginning. What was your first job?
Y: My first job? It feels like millennia ago now. I suppose you’d call it landscape gardening these days.
X: Sounds great. Working outside . . . and creative too.
Y: I was a one-man band at first – did everything myself.
X: Nothing like being your own boss.
Y: It wasn’t all a walk in the park, I can tell you. I worked very long hours, 6 days a week.
X: Must have been very tiring.
Y: Come Sunday I was completely knackered. Spent the whole day in bed.
X: I can imagine. But business was good?
Y: Well, yeah, I suppose it was . . . But then I got a little carried away. I got a little too creative.
X: How do you mean?
Y: Well I had so much work on I decided I needed two apprentices, to mould in my own image, so to speak.
X: To teach them everything you knew, you mean?
Y: Yeah, for all the good it did me. I was like a father to those ungrateful bastards, pardon my French.
X: Not at all, Mr Y. So what went wrong?
Y: Well, for the final part of their training I got them to redesign one of my first projects, my own garden. It was a very elaborate affair with gazebos, arbours, grottoes, four water features and a great big pomegranate tree in the middle of it all.
X: Sounds divine . . . sorry, I mean marvellous.
Y: It was, at first. But I had so much work on that I never had time to look after it. It was in a terrible state: weeds everywhere, the water features were clogged with leaves, the gazebos were falling over backwards. It broke my heart to see it like that.
X: It must have. So did your apprentices do a good job?
Y: They were full of ideas, I’ll give them that. After a couple of days I went to check on their progress. They’d already installed an apiary and marked out a puzzle maze. They’d even put in an abreuvoir.
X: A what?
Y: Sorry, more French. An abreuvoir is a sort of stone drinking trough for animals.
X: Oh, I see. Then what happened?
Y: My main competitor happened, that’s what.
X: Your main competitor?
Y: Yeah, a real snake in the grass. He made them an offer they couldn’t refuse and the next thing I know. . . It was a very nasty business. I should have been firmer with my instructions. Anyway I told them I never wanted to see them again.
X: Growing a business is never easy. Then what happened?
Y: I had a complete nervous breakdown. It was horrible. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do anything. I stopped shaving. Spent all day in my pyjamas. I became a complete recluse. The whole operation went down the tubes and I didn’t work again for literally ages.
X: But you did eventually overcome your demons?
Y: Yeah, eventually. My friends – real angels, all of them – persuaded me to give up landscape gardening and become a marriage counsellor.
X: And how did that work out for you?
Y: Fine, at first. I sound like a broken record, don’t I? Anyway things were going great, I’d built up a fantastic client base and I really felt I was a force for good in the world. But then I got too creative again.
X: How do you mean?
Y: Well I got this idea into my head that I could be a better father than one of my clients . . .
X: I see. So there was a child involved?
Y: I’d rather not talk about him, if you don’t mind. We haven’t spoken for years and years. He reckoned I was always making an example of him, that I stopped him from marrying, that I abandoned him . . . the list goes on.
X: I see. But perhaps we’re digressing a bit here. What sort of job would you ideally like to have now?
Y: Well, I reckon I might have finally come full circle. I’d like to try landscape gardening again. I reckon I’ve learned from my mistakes. Everything will be different this time round. All I need is someone to believe in me . . .
X: We here at Divine Recruitment believe in you, Mr Y, and it’s our purpose in life to get employers to believe in our candidates. Let me just check our job listings here on the computer . . . won’t be a minute . . . Look at this! I don’t believe it!
Y: What?
X: We’ve just got a listing from a company called Universal Landscape Gardeners.
Y: That’s a coincidence and a half!
X: I know! They need someone to do the landscaping for a new amusement park, to be called “Earth”.
Y: “Earth”, eh? Bit of a funny name.
X: It is, isn’t it? But doesn’t the job sound right up your street?
Y: It certainly does! I’ll definitely apply. I might need some help with my CV though . . .
X: All part of the Divine service, Mr Y. I have a very good feeling about this.
Y: So do I, young man, so do I.
